Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I came this close!!!!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
My sex drive has a dui
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Don’t tell me what to do
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.