*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
FINE, I WON’T.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?