*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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beware of dog
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
But that’s none of my business
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Saint West, the patron of selfies
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.