[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
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When does CPR become necrophilia?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Look at this
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin