me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I falcon love using swear birds
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?