@dixie_lee_peas: Tattooes turn an average man into a man to look twice at. If i see ink i know he can handle pain....and that works for me, cause I'm a pain.
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@YeahDrewisOn: Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn't it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What's zombiefy? Me: ...Your hair looks great!
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
@fro_vo: Wife: we have to get rid of these ants Me: if u don't look at them they disappear Wife: that's ignorant Me: i know the technical term linda
@Reverend_Scott: "HULK WANT LOAN." Bank: "We can't loan to people like you." "GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??" Bank: "No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage."