3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.