“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”