Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.