Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.