@JB4Realz: Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.
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@ImmorallyFixate: Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's. Thanks pumpkin!
@lcwf70: Failed Hallmark card: I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me. I thought you were going to take my taco.
@theshamingofjay: Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it's like I walked for no reason.
@jordan_stratton: *makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant* Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.