Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.