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My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of