Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
August 8
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
12653.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long