Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Saw online –
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.