TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
You Might Also Like
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died