TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Need this in my life lol
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.