At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
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Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Erm I’m gonna say no
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
just gave your address to some spiders
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”