taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Attacked by a mop.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.