taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
It was worth a shot 😂
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Anyone really
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart