taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The little toadstool has spoken.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!