Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do