Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
who wore it better?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…