I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Yes, this is exactly right
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me too
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.