If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
How did we not see this back then?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Pringles
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT