My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
You Might Also Like
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.