Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?