Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.