gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
i spent way too long on this
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.