Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!