@robolollycop: Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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@internetluke: [plane] "Is there a doctor on board?" Im a doctor "Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts "What?" Doctor of Fine Arts
@Kyle_Lippert: It's absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?
@paul_lander: Who says Republicans aren't into recycling? Mitt Romney's thinking of running for President, again.