@robolollycop: Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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@VerifiedDrunk: Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Boss: "Do you have a Twitter account?" Me: "Umm... Yo no hablo inglès." Boss: "Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?" Me: *fakes a seizure*
@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future" me: "but I've had a vasectomy" [9 months later ... me tending a goat farm] "This's bullshit"