@robolollycop: Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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@Jandalize: Stop calling it "sweater weather" and call it what it really is, "I don't have to shave my legs for 6 months weather."
@moooooog35: One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@fro_vo: [job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times
@gobmentcheese: In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.