Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so