Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Someone just threatened to call me later
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
🙅🏻
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.