@doktorj: Teach a man to fish and you'll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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@Awesomemom10: Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me. *walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
@Dildo_Hitler: *sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart* "hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?" "YES. AISLE B, BACK"
@FrazzleMyGimp: [At drive through] GUY: would you like a drink holder? ME: ya sure [driving home] ME: so uh, what’s the pay like? GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
@catstronomical: What if I don't take meds? Dr: Depression What are the side effects of meds? Dr: Depression What if I stop taking the meds? Dr: Depression