Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
doing some research
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.