Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!