Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
You wish you had this many chins.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?