Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me