I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Haha good job!!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.