Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.