Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews