Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
i wish i could marry a nap
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.