teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.