teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
You Might Also Like
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
liiiiiiiiike
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.