Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Lmao 🤣
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.