Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
He took my last fry, your honor
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”