TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.