TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*