teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Google assistant rules
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Breaking news:
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…