Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
the three branches of government
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Close call…
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.