Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Current mood: Potato