TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Just why bro?!
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Just so funny
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose