Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim