Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*