TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.